Orbital Wobble
by Abicion
Summary: This is like that thing Spoony's review of Highlander: The Source told me about.
1. Chapter 1

Everything was going according to plan. Super Sailor Moon and her followers had been split into two parties by the Dead Moon Circus. The more vulnerable of the two teams had gone ahead toward the inner sanctum. They thought were fighting their way in, when really they were being secretly beckoned inside. The five main Sailor Soldiers walked into the circus tent alone and unsuspecting of the sinister cosmic forces already working against them.

The two commanders of the Dead Moon Circus were waiting in the center of the tent. Zirconia was standing with her staff in hand, glaring at the Sailor team with her jealous wrinkled eyes. The hauntingly beautiful Queen Nehelenia hovered just behind the hag's crooked shoulders, welcoming the heroines with an ambiguous smile.

The Sailor Soldiers didn't hesitate to unleash their most powerful attacks. Zirconia held up her staff and summoned a barrier to deflect the barrage of elementary spells. Nehelenia threw her head back in a fit haughty laughter at the pathetic display.

While the Inner Sailor Soldiers prepared for their next wave of attacks, Zirconia looked them over like an old spinster would sizing up undisciplined maidens she was responsible for grooming.

"I'm glad you could make it this far, Sailor Soldiers," she announced as she reached into her cloak. "You're just in time for the special act we've been preparing just for you."

She held out a set of five polished marbles in the palm of her hand. When she threw them straight into the air, they began to quickly expand like giant balloons. They slowly drifted back down on their own will, coming to a stop just in front of each Sailor Soldier. The one that moved toward Sailor Mercury was blue. The one nearest to Mars was red. The one that stopped beside Jupiter was green. The one in front of Venus was orange. The one that went to Sailor Moon was silver with special royal lining. The decorative patterns gave it the appearance of an enormous Christmas tree ornament, or a round Faberge egg.

Jupiter tried to move the green orb away with an impulsive punch. It didn't go very well.

Her fist dove straight through the orb as if it had turned to liquid. Her entire arm was instantly inside, and she couldn't break free despite all of her pushing and pulling. Something inside of the sphere finished the job by yanking her in head-first. The four remaining Sailor Soldiers could she her legs thrashing around for a few final moments before she was completely engulfed.

And then it was their turn. The other spheres began emitting their own gravitational field that instantly pulled in the closest Sailor Soldier. The vague silhouettes of each Sailor remained visible as they were enveloped in primordial darkness inside their bulbs. One by one, their frothing came to a rest and they slowly curled into fetal positions.

Zirconia cackled at her own trick. She raised her staff to guide the five orbs into the air.

"Prepare yourselves, ladies, for a planetary realignment!"

The orbs floated in a circular formation over the witch's head. Nehelenia levitated higher off the floor so she could be in the center. After weeks of careful planning, they were ready to use their devastating double-team attack.

Zirconia waved her arms in a juggling motion, causing the five orbs to rotate on an invisible vertical axis. As Zirconia's movements became more rapid, Nehelenia unleashed her own dark powers in waves. Anti-matter spiraled through the spheres as they revolved faster and faster around the queen of the Dark Moon. Centrifugal forces reshaped anything that was trapped inside. For a moment, they were so spinning quickly and glowing with so much negative energy they formed a single black ring around Nehelenia. Then Zirconia gradually stopped the Ferris wheel, and each orb returned to its original color.

Zirconia guided the spheres so they would rest on the ground in a straight line. Nehelenia landed in front of the arrangement. It was time for Mother Goose to count her eggs.

She started with the blue one. She knocked on the edge of the glass with her fist, causing the sphere's captive to shyly curl up into a tighter ball.

"Soon," Nehelenia whispered ominously.

She approached the red sphere next. Her hand created tiny ripples on the object's surface as it dipped a few centimeters inward. She withdrew her hand and licked her fingertips.

"Just right."

She stepped over to the orange sphere, where a faint female shape moved as is if it were sinking in slow motion. She spoke quietly as she caressed the hollow amber.

"Relax, my precious. It's almost over."

When Nehelenia touched the green orb, she jumped back with a start. Static electricity surged through her fingers, and she shook her wrist until her feeling returned. The shadow trapped inside the orb made some slight movements before trying to punch through its shell. Nehelenia curiously scratched the glass surface with her index finger.

"Oh dear. This one's being stubborn. She needs some help getting through the Pangaea phase, Zirconia."

She moved on to the silver sphere last. When she brushed her palm across the smooth surface, the encased figure shifted toward her and stretched out its own arm, mirroring her actions from the other side of the glass. Nehelenia nestled her head against the bulb and smirked.

"Chaos isn't so bad once you get used to it. Hmm, Princess?" She ended her question with a light chuckle.

Nehelenia levitated upward, situated herself on top of the globe, and crossed her thighs. From her seat, she watched Zirconia magically lift the green ball back into the air and juggle it once again. Her eyes turned in slow circles as she watched the orb go round and round. Zirconia then used her telekinesis to place the ball back in line with the others. Nehelenia hovered back to the ground, carefully inspected the green orb, and gave a satisfied nod.

And just like that, she had gained control of the inner solar system.

Zirconia stepped forward. She walked along the five spheres, stopping to give each one two stern taps with her staff.

"Show time." The crone twisted her lips into an eager grin.

The room filled with the sounds of breaking glass as each orb was covered in cracks. All five orbs exploded into shards, granting the fully terraformed Sailor Soldiers their freedom.

For the first few seconds, they had nothing but weakened transformation ribbons dangling from their bare bodies. As the magic cloth became charged with Dead Moon energy, it wrapped itself more modestly around each Sailor Soldier and began to take solid form as their new combat attire.

Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, and Venus kept their basic colors, but their traditional Sailor suits had been hopelessly mangled into something more fitting of a sideshow act. The only things their new costumes had in common with their previous forms were the striped scarves around their necks and the decorative bows on their front and back. Mercury was wearing a white and blue sleeved leotard with cut out shoulders. Short side skirts were sewn at her hips. Mars wore a frisky little number that resembled swimwear. A red silk sash was tied around her waist, dark purple stockings covered her legs, ruby jewelry adorned her wrists and ankles, and streams of confetti highlighted her long black hair. Jupiter had a short tube top, a small green fighter's vest, and transparent white trousers over a jade-colored bikini. Her ponytail was tied together with a tiny iron dumbbell. Venus was dressed in a white corset, an orange, yellow, and white frilled skirt, and orange slippers. She wore a feathered opera mask over her eyes, and long strands of thin silk wrapped over her arms like curtains.

Sailor Moon had a more unique appearance. Dressed in white with gold trim, her outfit resembled her Princess Serenity gown reduced to negligee form. White and gold tights covered her arms and legs. Around her waist was a belt studded with the remnants of the Legendary Silver Crystal. She wore a short white circus coat over it all. Her hair was still braided in her trademark buns, but now it had turned silver.

While Nehelenia and Zirconia admired their handiwork in silence, the Sailor Soldiers joined together in a chorus of mischievous giggling.

* * *

><p>Super Sailor Chibi Moon and the Outer Soldiers entered the dark circus tent. The room was seemingly empty, devoid of both the Dead Moon Circus and the Inner Sailor Soldiers. Just when they thought the fortress had been abandoned, stage lights beamed down from the ceiling and highlighted five dark figures standing in the center ring.<p>

"Representing the closest planets of this solar system," Usagi's voice boomed through the tent in a high-pitched echo. "Debuting in their World Conquest Tour, Queen Nehelenia gives you her latest attraction… the Rusalka Brigade!"

"The Acrobat of Wisdom, Mercedes!" The artist formerly known as Sailor Mercury cried out in glee. She cartwheeled into position, stopping while she was still upside-down. Standing with all of her weight on one hand, she crossed one leg behind the other in a Hanged Man stance.

"The Fire Dancer of Passion, Maria!" The red Undine introduced herself while moving mostly with her hips. The glowing rubies on her wrists and ankles left bright red streaks in the air as she swayed. She turned her back toward the Outer Soldiers, bent forward, and blew a kiss over her shoulder.

"The Strongman of Courage, Juliet!" The green Undine shadowboxed in a flurry of quick punches, threw a high kick, and flexed her arms. Her teeth gleamed in the spotlight as she grinned.

"The Ballerina of Beauty, Venessa!" The orange Undine twirled on her toes before tumbling into a seated pose. She tucked one leg against her chest and extended the other into the air, winking through one side of her mask.

"The Ringmaster of the Moon, Lulu!" The silver Undine posed in the center of the group with outstretched arms.

The Sailor Soldiers stared back at them in awe. Usagi was dressed like a tacky stage magician. Ami and Makoto were acting like demented parodies of themselves. Rei and Minako looked like they belonged in a harem. Was this just some sort twisted illusion created to deceive the rest of the team, or was this what had become of the Inner Soldiers after they had been lured into the tent?

Chibi Moon shook her head in frustration and summoned her pink scepter. Lulu acknowledged her with nothing more than playful snort. The Undine tilted her head, scratching her chin in deep thought. When she focused back on the Sailor Soldier, her expression changed to a loving but eerie grin.

Chibi Moon suddenly collapsed to her knees. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. Then, she started to change. First, she seemed to age several years in a matter of seconds. Her hair grew out and turned silver, like Lulu's, but with additional copper-colored streaks. Marks appeared on one side of her face in the shape of tiger stripes. When she stood up again, she was wearing a costume that matched Lulu's with extra pink trim. It looked as if she had turned into a more festive version of Black Lady.

Chibi Moon looked down at her hands, studying her changes, before she casually shrugged off the whole ordeal. She parted from the Sailor team and merrily skipped toward Lulu's side.

Neptune, Uranus, and Saturn suddenly winced and held their heads. They each experienced a nauseating migraine as new memories filled their minds and contradicted what they had previously known. Pluto was the only one who seemed to be immune, but all she could do was watch Chibi Moon with a look of wide-eyed horror.

"No, this can't be right. The future is… different."

"Nice to see you, Chichi." Lulu patted the new, more mature Bizarro form of Chibi Moon on her head. "You're a few centuries early, though."

"Chichi" anxiously tugged on "Lulu's" arm. Lulu leaned forward, allowing Chichi to cup her hand and whisper into her ear. When Chichi finished speaking in hushed murmurs, she let her voice return to its normal volume.

"And that's how you can catch Pegasus."

Lulu reached upward. In a puff of white smoke, a conductor's baton appeared and landed in her hand. She used it to draw an invisible rectangle, causing a full-length mirror to materialize out of thin air.

"Thank you for your assistance, Chichi." She motioned toward the mirror. "Now just step through here and you'll be safe and sound in your real home, Carnival Tokyo."

Chichi passed through the mirror in a single hop. One of her arms stuck out of the portal to wave goodbye.

"See ya later, mamma!"

"Try not to pig out on the cotton candy, sweetie!" Lulu called back.

Then she disappeared completely, and the mirror magically shrunk into nothingness.

As the other Outer Soldiers came to their senses, Pluto glanced toward the leader of the Rusalkas.

"Lady Serenity, no… This doesn't make sense. What have you done?" She was still overcoming her shock.

"I haven't _done_ anyone yet, if you want to be technical," Lulu teased. "I was just thinking about how boring Mamoru is compared to those hunky Amazon guys. It's nice to have options."

She twirled her magic cane before pointing directly toward the group of Outer Soldiers.

"Now go get 'em, girls!"

The other Rusalkas followed their cue and charged forward. Mercedes took on Sailor Saturn, closing in with a series of graceful flips and forcing Saturn to block a set of throwing daggers with her glaive. Venessa slid to her knees and arched backwards to duck an attack from Pluto's staff, then knocked the Sailor Soldier off her feet with a sweeping kick. Maria untied the sash from her waist and swirled it around until it was lit ablaze, then lashed the flame whip toward Sailor Neptune. Juliet caught Sailor Uranus's sword with her bare hands as if it were a plastic toy, then challenged Uranus to a fistfight. Lulu stood back and watched as the Rusalka Brigade quickly overpowered each of the Sailor Soldiers.

Once the Sailors were worn down and sprawled helplessly across the circus floor, Lulu reached out with her cane. She began drawing the shape of a crescent moon in the air.

"And, for our final act: The annihilation of the farthest kingdoms!"

The Dead Moon's old witch appeared at her side, catching her by the wrist just before she could finish invoking the symbol of catastrophe.

"Huh? Let me go, Zirconia!" Lulu tried to wiggle free.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, child. Nehelenia instructed me not to let your little performance end after only one showing."

"Ah, come on!" Lulu whined. "You didn't recruit us for this just so you could hold us back! We won't have the advantage anymore if we let them regroup. We can get rid of them right now!"

"And ruin all the fun?" Zirconia gave her a scolding glance. "Wouldn't you like to toy with them for a while? Play with your audience's expectations a bit? Besides, once my magic recharges and I'm able to understand these girls a bit better, I should be able to create another set of Planet Breakers just for them. We always have room for a few more harlequins."

"I guess you're right," Lulu answered in a disappointed sigh. She turned to face her team.

"Rusalkas!" Lulu shouted as she raised her cane again. "That's enough for tonight!"

The five Rusalkas disappeared under a veil of fireworks and party balloons. This was followed by the entire tent fading from existence. The Outer Soldiers were left alone in an empty city street.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I put my Sailor Moon fan fiction on hold for two weeks for this shit?"_

- A guy watching the ending to Assassin's Creed III

* * *

><p>The Outer Sailor Soldiers had no idea they were in for an explosive surprise. They had been able to turn the tables after returning to the Dead Moon Circus's tent and fighting the monster that awaited them.<p>

Today's Lemures was a demented fusion of a circus elephant and a clown. It was resilient to most of the Sailor team's individual powers, but it finally disappeared from existence when they combined their attacks. With the monster out of the way, they had a chance to rescue the Inner Soldiers. Sailor Pluto's control over time might be able to save them. Setsuna herself didn't know if she could restore them to their former selves, but it was the only hope they had left. The only hope Earth had left.

Too bad the fight wasn't really over.

They noticed the shadow on the ground first. When they looked up, they saw something truly horrible and truly Freudian. The Lemures had transformed into an enormous circus cannon falling straight from sky. In place of wheels, it had two spheres attached to the central barrel. The sphere descending over Saturn and Pluto's heads was covered with a checkered purple and black pattern, while the one closing in on Neptune and Uranus was colored teal and navy. It collided with the Sailor Soldiers with the force of a meteor, absorbing them in pairs.

Once the dust cleared, Nehelenia appeared behind the cannon.

"Enjoying yourselves, Sailor Soldiers?" she asked with a wicked scowl. "You're about to become volunteers in my greatest magic act."

The Rusalka Brigade appeared at the sides of the cannon. They inspected the weapon with curious fascination.

"This hadron collider thing looks pretty fun, Zirconia," said Maria.

"More like _hard-on_ collider." Juliet snickered.

"Quite, you fools!" Zirconia materialized in frustration. "I don't need your jokes from the peanut gallery! This was simply the most efficient way to assimilate the outer planets."

"Sorry, Granny." The Rusalkas bowed and apologized as a group.

"Lulu," Zirconia signaled as she rolled her eyes. "Give me the Sonnet for Reconstruction."

Lulu waved her staff and summoned a floating spell book. She paged through the tome's arcane texts before stopping with a quirked eyebrow.

"Um… is it the one that talks about saucy tales and bon-viveurs?"

"That's the modern translation," Zirconia replied. "The original moon language incantation should be in there somewhere."

Lulu shuffled through the book again, then pushed it through the air toward the sorceress.

"Here you go!"

Zirconia began reciting the diabolical spell. The Rusalkas did their part by pushing the cannon around in a circle. Seven times it rotated around Zirconia. The orb wheels swirled with more and more dark energy with each rotation, churning the captive Sailor Soldiers through a nexus of evil. The Rusalkas stopped to catch their breath when the incantation was finished.

Lulu approached the black and purple sphere. She swirled her index finger in the air and pulled a megaphone from the void. When she held the phone against the side of the sphere, it amplified the muffled bickering coming from within.

"_You're strangling me, Sammy!"_

"_You're squishing me, Pru!"_

"_My leg hurts!"_

"_I can't feel my arm!"_

"_Your ribbons are tangling my hair!"_

"_Yours are tickling me!"_

"_Get your elbow off my boobs!"_

"_Get your knee away from my butt!"_

"Sounds like they're ready," Lulu said with a playful sneer. Zirconia nodded in agreement.

Lulu moved toward the teal and navy sphere. Holding the megaphone against the globe, she was confused when she only heard silence. She whisked the megaphone away and replaced it with one of her floating mirrors. Nehelenia, Zirconia, and the Rusalkas all clustered together to see an x-ray view inside of the sphere.

Naked, vulnerable, and trapped in a prison of festival streamers, Haruka and Michiru held each other in a protective embrace. They stirred ever so slightly when Juliet tried kicking their sphere. Michiru shyly glanced in the direction of the disturbance, causing Haruka to pull her closer still. Lulu quickly pushed the mirror away to give them their privacy.

"That's so cute," Venessa said.

"It looks like something out of an Utena music video," Maria innocently observed.

"Maybe we should let them have some alone time," Mercedes added.

"We're working on a tight schedule, ladies," Zirconia grumbled. "These Planet Breakers aren't exactly stable. If they don't pass through the Genesis Vortex soon, they could drift back into their Earthly incarnations."

Nehelenia levitated over the cannon.

"We've already won, Zirconia. Now we just need to celebrate with some fireworks."

The queen sprawled across cannon, pressing herself against the top of the barrel. Concentrated evil channeled out of her fingers, down the shaft, and into the two spheres. The entire assembly began to glow as Nehelenia's expression changed to a greedy smirk.

Setsuna was launched into the center of the tent first, followed by Hotaru. Both landed on their feet with a small flip. They stood side by side as their new costumes waited to materialize. Matching evil grins were on their faces.

The cannon didn't fire again. No matter how hard Nehelenia concentrated her black magic and gyrated her body, the weapon wouldn't deliver its cataclysmic payload. Lulu carelessly stuck her head down the barrel to inspect the problem.

"It's stuck." Her voice echoed from inside of the bore.

The other four Rusalkas helped out by pushing their shoulders into the globe. When the cannon finally went off, Haruka and Michiru were sent spiraling through the air in a single human corkscrew. They landed just beside Setsuna and Hotaru.

Magical ribbons condensed into solid fabric. Pluto was all lycra and midriff in her new form. She wore a two-piece gymnastic suit covered with black and white diamond designs. Her bare fingers and toes were polished black. Saturn was clad in a white Pierrot costume covered with purple polka dots. In a marvelous feat of balance and coordination, she was able to keep a set of hula hoops endlessly spinning around her waist. Neptune's outfit had changed into a white saloon dress with teal frills and feathers. Uranus was wearing baggy navy shorts, a rugged blouse made of strips of navy cloth, and white gauntlets.

Setsuna started the Rusalka roll call. Or at least, she tried to. When she opened her mouth, no sound came out. It took her a few seconds to realize someone was pulling a prank that robbed her of her voice and turned her into a mime. Hotaru snickered just behind her back.

Pluto slapped Saturn on the top of her head, and Saturn instantly froze like a statue. Pluto restarted her introduction when her voice returned.

"The Contortionist of Time, Prunella!" She turned away from the audience and leaned all the way backward until her hands could touch the ground and her head hung upside-down. She snapped her fingers to unfreeze Saturn.

"The Jester of Silence, Samantha!" The polka dot Rusalka hopped on Prunella's bare stomach for a reverse piggyback ride. She crossed her legs, raised her arms, and spun her hoops as she smiled.

"All things grow silent with the passage of time," they announced in unison. "Together, we're the Droite Division!"

"The Calusari of the Sky, Ursula!" The navy Rusalka extended her arm and a scimitar appeared in her hand. After swinging it, twirling it behind her back, and juggling it between her hands, she held her sword parallel to the ground and reached upward with her empty palm.

"The Minstrel of the Sea, Nedra!" The teal Rusalka balanced on the edge of Ursula's sword, cartwheeled over her shoulders, and gave her an upside-down kiss in the split second their mouths met. She completed the rest of the cartwheel and stood on one foot in Ursula's palm. She conjured a violin in one hand and a bow in the other. After hitting a few hilariously awful notes, she realized the bow was actually a piece of celery. She tossed the vegetable over her shoulder, summoned a proper bow, and fiddled a short tune.

"When the sea meets the sky," they chanted together. "The Gauche Sisters appear!"

"Good." Zirconia watched the entire spectacle with an approving nod. "These Outer Soldiers were a bit of a mystery compared to the rest of you, but you all cleaned up so nicely. Now that we've converted your Sailor magic into a more suitable form and washed all of that bothersome Earth filth from your bodies, the Rusalka Brigade has a complete crew."

She turned to her Rusalka accomplice.

"I think it's time your team has a tent of their own, Princess. It will be furnished with everything you need for your little attraction. We'll need someone to guard this planet in the queen's name when the Dead Moon Circus departs for places beyond this solar system. As long as you girls keep behaving yourselves, Queen Nehelenia and I would like you to have some degree of autonomy. Besides, I don't want the Amazoness Quartet to think you're hogging the spotlight."

Zirconia's lips twisted into a foreboding grin.

"The queen insists that the entire universe should be invited to the party. Her kingdom shall be more beautiful and grand than even Queen Serenity's at the height of the Silver Millennium. "

"Oooh, can we call our ship the Clown Car of Evil?" Lulu asked eagerly.

"The 'Flying Dutchman' was the name we had in mind," Nehelenia replied in a motherly voice. "We figured it would make your team feel more at home."

"That works, too." Lulu smiled.

And then the Killer Klowns from Outer Space took over the world and Nehelenia used the Pegasus horn to make Tim Curry immortal. BAD END.


End file.
